10 Foods You Should Never Eat on a First Date
Spinach: Speck City
There's no disaster quite like monstrous flecks of green wedged between those carefully flossed teeth in your dry first-date mouth. Avoid spinach at all costs, plus its date-destroying cohorts: pesto, kale, Swiss chard and that parsley garnish chewed in an attempt to freshen your breath.
Garlic: Pore Your Heart Out
Don't become the human garlic clove. Now matter how many times you've chowed down on garlic bread or your mama's Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic with no issue, first-date jitters will push that garlic smell right through your pores in concentrated form. Pee-yoo.
Salad: Hunger Games
Thinking you'll be dainty and just order a salad? This move backfires in more ways than one: you eat it too quickly because you're hungry; you rudely scrape away at the very last crumbs because you're hungry; you fidget nervously because you're still hungry; you gulp your wine because you're hungry; you order and devour the biggest dessert on the menu because, dammit, you're hungry, and the wine went to your head, so you don't care about looking dainty anymore.
Spaghetti: Slop Shop
News flash: Lady and the Tramp were cartoon dogs. Spaghetti in the real world is a messy, slurp-y, sloppy experience guaranteed to deposit sauce on your face, on your shirt, somewhere on your date or all three. Leave the tidy kissy-spaghetti scenes to the animation world and order the risotto.
Fondue: Coordination Collapse
Can you really skewer, dip, rotate, lift, bite and repeat more than 20 times while carrying on scintillating conversation, nerves in check and all surfaces clean? Unless you're an Olympic gymnast, we say fon-don't.
Whole Lobster: Criminal Intent
If someone stares lovingly into your eyes while repeatedly cracking and twisting the body of an earthly creature in order to suck out the flesh from within, you might want to reconsider date two.
Burritos: "Snart" Choice
Anything that runs the risk of inappropriate squirts is a first-date no-no, but especially bean-filled cheesy burritos. Within the hour, your stomach will expand, with only one path for that gas bubble to go. (Hold on to that sneeze.)
Wings & Ribs: Primal Plus
Wanna rip flesh right off the bone with your teeth, build a giant grease smear on your face with every bite while red sauce drips down to your elbows? Likely not, unless you're half zombie and this primal scene floats your boat.
Sushi: All Awkward
You might think sushi is a dainty, healthy and all-around perfect first-date choice. Maybe back when sushi was one-bite treasures, but nowadays, they're enormous sea-beasts draped with fish, stuffed with avocado, drowning in piles of roe and glopped with mayo. Almost too heavy for chopsticks, the entire thing can barely be crammed into your mouth. Awk-ward!
Why spend half your date in line, desperate to find the socially acceptable balance between not too picky and not too greedy? And when do you go back for seconds: when your plate is empty? When your date's plate is empty? Should you go for seconds at all? Too many questions, not enough answers. We say ban buffets until you're hanging out with each other in stretchy pants.